I’m 61 years old and last week I introduced myself at a networking event as “just a CFO” and immediately wanted to crawl under the table and die. Just. As if managing millions of dollars and keeping a company financially healthy is something you do when you can’t do anything important.
The woman next to me, probably 35, said, “Wow, a CFO at your age? That’s impressive!” At my age. Like I’m a circus act. Look, everyone, the old lady can do math!
That’s when I realized my confidence hadn’t grown with my accomplishments. It had actually shrunk. Somewhere between 40 and 60, while I was busy achieving things, my confidence snuck out the back door and left imposter syndrome as a roommate.
If you’re over 50 and feeling less confident than your 30-year-old self despite having twice the experience and ten times the wisdom, welcome to the club. We meet on Tuesdays. We serve wine and reality checks.
When Did We Lose It?
I can pinpoint exactly when my confidence started leaking: the day I realized I was the oldest person in the meeting. Not by a little. By decades. Everyone else looked like they could be my kids. Hell, one of them WAS my friend’s kid.
Suddenly, every idea I had felt outdated. Every suggestion seemed to scream “old person doesn’t understand technology.” I started prefacing everything with “This might be a stupid question, but…” or “I’m probably wrong, but…”
The confidence I’d built over 30 years of career success? Gone. Replaced by this weird apologetic energy, like I should be grateful they let me stay in the room.
Then there was the physical confidence drain. Hot flashes during presentations (nothing says “power move” like suddenly stripping off your blazer while discussing quarterly projections). Reading glasses that I kept forgetting, squinting at screens like someone’s confused grandmother. That knee that makes noise when I stand up. You know the noise.
Add in the societal messages (invisible after 50, irrelevant after 60), and it’s a miracle any of us have confidence left. But here’s what I learned: Confidence at this age isn’t about feeling young. It’s about owning your years.
Step 1: Stop Apologizing for Existing
I counted one day. I apologized 23 times. For nothing. For walking through a door someone else was walking through. For having an opinion in a meeting I was asked to attend. For taking up space in the grocery store aisle while deciding between pasta brands.
Twenty-three times I essentially said, “Sorry for being here.”
The first step to building confidence after 50 is to stop apologizing for your existence. You’ve earned your space on this planet. You’ve paid taxes, raised humans or fur babies, contributed to society. You don’t need to apologize for having opinions, needs, or physical form.
My new rule: Only apologize when I’ve actually done something wrong. Not for:
– Having an opinion
– Asking questions
– Taking up space
– Not knowing something
– Being my age
– Needing reading glasses
– Existing while female and over 50
It’s harder than it sounds. That apologetic reflex is strong. But every time I don’t apologize unnecessarily, I feel a little stronger.
Step 2: List Your Survival Resume
Not your work resume. Your survival resume. Everything you’ve survived, overcome, figured out, or muscled through.
Mine includes:
– Divorce that left me broke
– Single motherhood with two boys
– Career restart at 40
– Parent’s death
– Curtis’s near-death health crisis
– Menopause (deserves its own line)
– Learning technology that didn’t exist when I started working
– Navigating healthcare system
– Keeping humans alive for decades
– That perm in 1987
When you list what you’ve survived, you realize you’re not building confidence from scratch. You’re remembering confidence you already earned. Every time you said yes to something scary, you built confidence. You just forgot to give yourself credit.
Step 3: Change Your Confidence Definition
At 30, confidence meant knowing everything, having all the answers, never showing weakness. It was exhausting and impossible, but I tried anyway.
At 61, confidence means:
– Saying “I don’t know” without shame
– Asking for help without feeling weak
– Admitting mistakes without spiraling
– Setting boundaries without guilt
– Saying no without justification
– Being wrong without devastation
– Not knowing technology without feeling stupid
Real confidence isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being okay with being imperfect. And honey, after 50, we’ve had enough practice at imperfect to be experts.
Step 4: Start Small and Visible
I started with my posture. Sounds stupid, but I noticed I’d started shrinking. Shoulders curved, head down, trying to take up less space. Like I was apologizing with my body.
So I started standing straighter. Walking into rooms like I belonged there (because I do). Sitting at tables without making myself smaller. Taking up my full space.
Then I moved to my voice. Stopped ending statements with question marks? Like everything I said needed approval? Started speaking in meetings without prefacing with “This might be wrong, but…”
Small changes, but visible ones. I visualized myself as confident before walking into rooms. Fake it till you make it? More like practice it till you become it.
Step 5: Surround Yourself with Confidence Builders
I did an audit of my relationships. Who made me feel capable? Who made me feel less than? Who celebrated my wins? Who minimized them?
The friend who always said, “At your age, you should just be grateful for what you have”? Distance.
The colleague who asked for my advice then valued it? Closer.
The family member who introduced me as “just a housewife” when I was working from home? Boundaries.
The women in my Dutch pour art class who cheered when I tried something new? My people.
Confidence is easier when you’re around people who see your value. At 50+, we don’t have time for people who don’t.
Step 6: Do Something That Scares You
Not skydiving scary (unless that’s your thing). Just slightly outside comfort zone scary.
For me, it was starting Enlightenzz. At 61. With the technical skills of a confused pigeon. Every part of my brain said, “You’re too old, too late, too technologically incompetent.”
Did it anyway. Made mistakes. Many mistakes. Asked my kids for help (humbling). Googled things a 12-year-old would know. Cried over WordPress at 2 AM.
But every small success built confidence. Every published article, every reader comment, every tiny victory reminded me: I can learn new things. Age doesn’t stop capability.
Your scary thing might be:
– Taking a class
– Starting to date
– Changing careers
– Speaking up in meetings
– Setting boundaries with adult kids
– Wearing the bright colors
– Starting that hobby
– Having that conversation
Pick one. Do it badly. Confidence comes from trying, not from succeeding.
Step 7: Rewrite Your Inner Narrative
My inner voice was a real bitch. She said things like:
– “Too old to start over”
– “Nobody wants to hear from you”
– “You look ridiculous”
– “Stay quiet, stay safe”
– “You had your chance”
I had to consciously rewrite her script:
– “Experienced enough to do it right”
– “Your perspective is valuable”
– “You look like a woman who’s lived”
– “Speak up, you’ve earned it”
– “You’re still creating chances”
It’s not toxic positivity. It’s accurate reframing. Like changing money beliefs, changing confidence beliefs takes conscious effort.
The Confidence I Have Now
It’s different from 30-year-old confidence. Less sharp, more deep. Less aggressive, more assured. Less about proving, more about being.
I don’t need everyone to like me (impossible and exhausting).
I don’t need to be the smartest in the room (I’m not, and that’s fine).
I don’t need to look 30 (I don’t, and that’s also fine).
I need to value what I bring: Experience. Perspective. Wisdom. Humor. The ability to see BS from miles away. The knowledge that most crises aren’t. The understanding that perfect is overrated.
Your Step-by-Step Guide
Here’s your homework for building confidence after 50:
Week 1: Count your unnecessary apologies. Just notice them.
Week 2: Write your survival resume. Everything you’ve overcome.
Week 3: Stand straighter. Walk like you own the place. You’ve earned it.
Week 4: Say one opinion without qualifying it. Just state it.
Week 5: Do one small scary thing. Emphasis on small.
Week 6: Audit one relationship. Does it build or drain confidence?
Week 7: Rewrite one inner narrative. Pick the meanest one.
Week 8: Celebrate one thing about being your age. Just one.
The Truth About Confidence After 50
It’s not about feeling young. It’s about valuing experience.
It’s not about competing with 30-year-olds. It’s about bringing what they can’t.
It’s not about hiding your age. It’s about owning your years.
Last week, at another networking event, someone asked what I do. “I’m a CFO,” I said. No “just.” No apology. “I manage millions and keep companies alive. I also make art, write about life after 50, and yesterday I taught my grandson to tie his shoes. I’m kind of amazing.”
The 35-year-old next to me said, “Can I sit next to you at every event?”
Yes. Yes, she can.
Ready to boost your confidence even more? Try starting your day with these 5-minute happiness boosters. Because confidence is easier when you start the day right.
P.S. – Yesterday I wore red lipstick to the grocery store. Not for anyone else. Just because I felt like it. The teenage cashier said, “You look like someone who knows things.” I said, “I do. I really do.” That’s confidence after 50: Knowing things and knowing you know them.
