Today I Choose to be Independent – How to be Independent

Independence isn’t always a loud declaration. Sometimes, it’s a quiet decision that changes everything.

For me, one of the clearest moments of independence came in 1996 when I bought a house as a single mom. Just Jesse and me. I didn’t have a safety net, no one to fall back on—it was all on my shoulders. And while the years that followed were far from easy (three foreclosure scares taught me that), the simple fact that I stood on my own two feet, bought that house, and fought for it again and again gave me a deep well of independence.

It wasn’t glamorous. Independence rarely is. It was late nights bartending to cover bills. It was saying “no” to things I wanted so I could keep the lights on. It was clawing my way back each time the bank threatened to take it away. But it was mine. We made it. And that knowledge—that I could provide for myself and my son—became a kind of fuel that has never left me.

The Real Face of Independence

That’s the truth about independence: it doesn’t mean you never need anyone. It means you’ve proven to yourself that you can stand on your own, even when it’s hard. Independence grows from the choices you make to keep showing up, to keep fighting for yourself, and to trust that even when support is scarce, you are enough.

Independence isn’t about isolation or refusing help. It’s about knowing, deep in your bones, that if everything else falls away, you can handle it. You’ve done it before. You’ll do it again if you have to.

What Independence Actually Feels Like

In your body, real independence feels solid. Not rigid, but grounded. Your feet feel firmly planted even when the wind is howling. There’s a straightness to your spine that comes from carrying your own weight and knowing you can.

It’s different from the brittle feeling of forced independence—the “I don’t need anyone” defensiveness that’s really just fear in disguise. True independence has a quiet confidence to it. You can accept help because you know you’re not helpless. You can be vulnerable because you know you’re not weak.

The Myths About Independence

Myth: Independent people don’t need others.
Truth: Independent people know the difference between needing and choosing. I choose to share my life with Curtis now, but I know I can stand alone if needed.

Myth: Independence means having it all figured out.
Truth: Three foreclosure scares taught me that independence is about figuring it out as you go, not having all the answers upfront.

Myth: You’re either independent or you’re not.
Truth: Independence fluctuates. Some seasons you’re stronger, some you need more support. Both are okay.

Myth: Independence requires financial wealth.
Truth: I was bartending to make ends meet. Independence is about resourcefulness, not resources.

Building Your Independence Muscle

Start Small
You don’t have to buy a house or make a grand gesture. Independence builds through small acts: making your own decisions, solving your own problems, trusting your own judgment.

Learn to Be Uncomfortable
Independence often means doing things before you feel ready. I wasn’t ready to buy that house. I wasn’t ready for single motherhood. But I did it anyway, and readiness came through doing.

Develop Multiple Skills
When you’re independent, you become your own Swiss Army knife. I learned basic home repairs, financial juggling, negotiation with banks, and yes, how to pour a perfect drink for better tips. Each skill is another root in your independence.

Build Your Confidence Bank
Every time you handle something on your own, make a mental deposit. Remember fixing that leaky faucet? Deposit. Negotiating that raise? Deposit. These memories become withdrawals you can make when facing new challenges.

Independence at Different Life Stages

In Your 20s-30s
This is often about breaking away, establishing your own identity, proving you can make it. It can feel fierce and sometimes lonely. That was me buying that house at 30-something, determined to show I could do it alone.

In Your 40s-50s
Independence becomes more nuanced. You might be balancing caring for parents and launching kids. It’s about maintaining your identity while supporting others.

In Your 60s and Beyond
Now at 61, independence means something different. It’s about maintaining autonomy as my body changes, being proactive about my future needs, and knowing when to gracefully accept help while keeping my core self intact.

The Hidden Costs of Independence

Let’s be honest about what independence can cost:

The Exhaustion
Carrying everything alone is tiring. Those years of single motherhood, working multiple jobs, fighting foreclosures—I was running on fumes much of the time.

The Missed Connections
Sometimes independence can become a wall. It took me years to learn to let Curtis truly help, to be vulnerable enough to be interdependent.

The Pride Problem
Independence can become identity. “I can do it myself” can prevent you from accepting help that would make life easier.

The Pressure
When you’re the only one you can count on, there’s no room for falling apart. That pressure can be crushing.

From Independence to Interdependence

Here’s what I’ve learned after 25+ years since buying that house: True maturity is moving from independence to chosen interdependence. It’s knowing you can stand alone but choosing to stand with others.

Now, with Curtis, I’m still independent—I could still take care of myself if needed. But I’ve learned the beauty of leaning on someone while maintaining your own strength. It’s not dependence; it’s partnership between two independent people.

Practical Ways to Build Independence

Financial Independence

• Have your own bank account, even if married
• Understand your finances completely
• Build multiple income streams if possible
• Know your credit score and what affects it

Emotional Independence

• Develop your own interests and friendships
• Learn to self-soothe without always needing others
• Make decisions based on your values, not others’ expectations
• Practice being alone and enjoying it

Physical Independence

• Learn basic home and car maintenance
• Stay physically strong and mobile
• Know how to navigate and travel alone
• Maintain your health proactively

Intellectual Independence

• Form your own opinions through research
• Question what you’re told
• Keep learning new skills
• Trust your own judgment

When Independence Gets Challenged

Life will test your independence. Illness, job loss, relationship changes, aging—these all challenge our ability to stand alone. That’s when you learn that independence isn’t about never needing help; it’s about having the resilience to rebuild, the resourcefulness to adapt, and the wisdom to know when to stand alone and when to reach out.

Those three foreclosure scares? Each one could have broken my independence. Instead, they strengthened it. Not because I handled them perfectly alone, but because I found ways through—sometimes with help, sometimes with sheer stubbornness, always with the knowledge that giving up wasn’t an option.

Today’s Choice

Today, choose to be independent in a way that serves you. Maybe it’s making a decision without seeking everyone’s approval. Maybe it’s learning something new that makes you more self-sufficient. Maybe it’s paradoxically asking for help, knowing that choosing support is also a form of independence.

Remember: Independence isn’t about proving anything to anyone. It’s about proving to yourself that you can trust yourself. That house I bought in 1996? I sold it years later for a profit. But the real value wasn’t in the equity—it was in knowing that I could stand on my own two feet, provide for my child, and weather any storm that came our way.

That knowledge? That’s independence. And once you have it, no one can take it away.