Today I Choose to be Autonomous – How to be Autonomous

According to Dr. Susan Campbell’s research on women’s development, autonomy actually increases in our 50s and 60s as we shed societal expectations and embrace our authentic selves.

I read this while simultaneously cooking for my granddaughter’s 18th birthday party – an event that started with “Susie, can we have it at your house?” and somehow morphed into me buying all the food and drinks and cooking everything. By the time the party started, I was exhausted.

My no’s come out “nyes.” So much for that increasing autonomy.

The Three-Job Foundation of Independence

Growing up unable to count on anyone taught me early that I needed to count on myself. When my parents moved away when I was 17, I had no safety net. Just a tiny one-room apartment and eventually three jobs: switchboard operator at TSS Seedman’s department store, slinging ice cream at Häagen-Dazs, and working at a chiropractor’s office.

My roommate situation with “Tommy” (let’s call him that) clarified everything. While I picked up job two, then job three, he worked part-time and lived three blocks from his parents. When we broke up and he moved back home, I juggled those three jobs and made ends meet.

That’s when I learned: I’ve got this.

The dating scene reinforced the lesson. Danny was cloying, obsessive, and gave me literally no room to breathe. Breaking it off to regain my sanity taught me that autonomy isn’t just about financial independence – it’s about emotional sovereignty too.

The Paradox of Being Needed

Here’s what Dr. Campbell’s research doesn’t capture: I actually love that so many people need me. It’s validating. It makes me feel special that I’m someone people rely on. As CFO of 18 companies and the “human binky” for my CEO, being needed is part of my identity.

But I’ve learned that autonomy isn’t a destination – it’s a journey. As I’ve aged, I’ve realized I value being autonomous so that the people in my life are there because I want them, not because I need them.

There’s a difference. A big one.

The Masculine-Feminine Energy Dance

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: I live in my masculine energy more than I’d like. Making decisions for 18 companies, solving problems, being everyone’s rock – it’s all masculine energy. But autonomy doesn’t mean staying stuck in one mode.

After Curtis’s six-month recovery, when I was working 10-12 hours plus making breakfast, lunch, and dinner while doing most chores, I hit a wall. One day I said, “Hey hon, can you please get dinner tonight? I’m maximized.”

He rose to the occasion and – dare I say – felt amazing to be helping. He’s actually the better cook.

Now I lean in and ask more often. I compliment vociferously and appreciate grandly. I also find a lot of bottles I can’t seem to open. (Yes, this is conscious. Yes, I can open them. No, I’m not sorry.)

The Al Micromanagement Tango

Workplace autonomy requires its own dance. Al, my CEO, tends to micromanage because he “has to make sure everything is done to assuage his worrying.” His anxiety becomes my problem.

When he’s really spiraling, I giggle and say, “Al, I’ve got a list. I’m right on top of that, Rose!”

Sometimes he listens. Sometimes he explains why he HAS to micromanage. It’s about 50/50.

This is autonomy in real life – not complete independence, but negotiating space while maintaining relationships.

From Gollum to Delegation

I used to hang onto tasks like Gollum with his precious. Every spreadsheet, every report, every decision had to pass through my hands. But managing 18 companies forced an evolution: I realized I couldn’t grow further without giving something up.

Now I’m knee-deep in our hedge fund project and loving it – because I finally learned to delegate the rest. Autonomy, ironically, sometimes means letting go.

The Science Meets the Street

Research from the Women’s Institute for Financial Education shows only 20% of women over 50 feel completely confident about their financial future. But financial autonomy is just one piece.

True autonomy after 50 includes:

• Emotional independence (breaking up with Danny)
• Physical capability (opening those bottles… or not)
• Professional boundaries (giggling at Al)
• Relationship navigation (the Curtis dance)
• The wisdom to ask for help (revolutionary at 60!)

Your Autonomy Action Plan (With Reality Checks)

Week 1: The “Nye” Audit

• Track every time your no comes out “nye”
• Notice the pattern (people-pleasing? Validation-seeking?)
• Practice one clean “no” daily

Week 2: The Energy Assessment

• Notice when you’re in masculine vs. feminine energy
• Consciously choose to switch once daily
• Find your own version of “bottles you can’t open”

Week 3: The Boundary Experiment

• Set one small workplace boundary
• Use humor like the “Right on top of that, Rose” deflection
• Celebrate when it works 50% of the time

Week 4: The Help Request

• Ask for help with something you can do yourself
• Notice how others feel when they can contribute
• Practice receiving gracefully

The Truth About Autonomy at 60

Maybe I’m not perfectly autonomous. You just blinked at me, and I started to panic! (LOL) But here’s what I’ve learned: Autonomy isn’t about needing no one. It’s about choosing your dependencies.

I choose to let Curtis open bottles I could open myself. I choose to work 10-12 hour days because I love what I do (mostly). I choose to cook entire birthday parties when I meant to just lend my house. I choose to be Al’s human binky while maintaining my sanity through strategic giggling.

That’s real autonomy – not the textbook version where you’re completely self-sufficient, but the messy, beautiful version where you’re independent enough to choose your interdependencies.

From three jobs and a tiny apartment to CFO of 18 companies, I’ve learned that autonomy is about having choices. Even if sometimes those choices include pretending you can’t open a pickle jar because your husband needs to feel needed after six months of being cared for.

That’s not dependence. That’s wisdom. And maybe, just maybe, that’s what Dr. Campbell meant all along.

Join our community of autonomous women who sometimes can’t open bottles and whose no’s come out “nyes.” Share your best autonomy paradox below – bonus points if it involves strategic helplessness or cooking an entire party by accident.

P.S. To all the Als out there: We’ve got lists. We’re right on top of that, Rose. Please stop micromanaging. (It only works 50% of the time anyway.)