Today I Choose to be Understanding – How to be Understanding

We have an interesting dynamic with part of our family. My son Tyler’s father, Tim, and I broke up when Tyler was a toddler. He passed when Tyler was 16. We maintained a relationship with Tim’s mother, Peggy, after he died, even having her come to live with us when her house was flooded for a while.

Tim had a brother Jim, and to say their family dynamic was dysfunctional is an understatement. Jim called us to say that Peggy was in the hospital and he had no car—could we maybe come get him and bring him to the hospital? Of course we were going to go, although it was 1.5 hours away.

Tyler and I set off, scooped up Jim, and headed to the hospital. Peggy was in bad shape. I knew Jim but not well. His behavior in the hospital was what some might deem strange. He was a mixture of upset but also angry. He was saying things that most would have found inappropriate.

But in that moment it was as if I could see into his heart and his head, and I knew exactly what was happening. He was angry—so angry—with himself for not having a better relationship with her, and guilt over not doing more. Angry with her for being on the verge of passing with no way for him to ever have a better relationship. Angry with the situation for being so unfair.

Others might have judged the behavior, but I couldn’t. I could feel his pain and frustration in my bones.

Today, I choose to look beyond what people are saying and doing to see what they’re actually feeling and needing.

The Heart Behind the Behavior

True compassion requires developing the ability to see past surface behavior to the emotional reality underneath. When people are in pain, they rarely express it in neat, socially acceptable ways. More often, pain emerges as anger, inappropriate comments, withdrawal, or behavior that seems inexplicable to observers.

Jim’s hospital behavior wasn’t really about the immediate situation—it was about years of regret, missed opportunities, and the devastating finality of impending loss. His anger wasn’t directed at the medical staff or even his mother’s condition; it was the raw expression of someone facing the end of all possibility for repair and connection.

Understanding this distinction—between what people are doing and why they’re doing it—transforms how you respond to difficult behavior and allows you to offer support rather than judgment.

Recognizing the Language of Grief

Grief speaks in many dialects, and anger is one of its most common expressions. When people face loss—whether actual death or the death of possibilities—anger often emerges as a way of protesting the unfairness and helplessness of the situation.

Jim’s inappropriate comments weren’t character flaws; they were the desperate expressions of someone grappling with regret and powerlessness. He couldn’t change the past, couldn’t heal the relationship, couldn’t stop what was happening to his mother. The anger was his way of expressing the magnitude of loss and missed opportunity.

Learning to recognize grief in its various forms helps you respond with compassion rather than criticism, understanding rather than judgment.

The Power of Emotional Resonance

Sometimes understanding comes not through analysis but through emotional resonance—the ability to feel what someone else is experiencing in your own body. When I said I could feel Jim’s pain and frustration “in my bones,” I was describing this kind of empathetic connection.

This deeper level of understanding bypasses intellectual analysis and connects directly to the emotional truth of someone’s experience. It’s not about agreeing with their behavior or thinking their responses are appropriate—it’s about recognizing the human pain that’s driving those responses.

When you can feel someone’s emotional reality rather than just observing their behavior, it becomes much harder to judge them and much easier to respond with compassion.

Understanding Without Enabling

Compassionate understanding doesn’t mean accepting all behavior or avoiding necessary boundaries. You can understand why someone is acting inappropriately while still addressing the behavior if needed.

In Jim’s case, understanding his grief didn’t require approving of his comments or pretending they weren’t disruptive. It meant responding to his emotional state with compassion while still maintaining appropriate boundaries if his behavior became too disruptive to others.

True compassion often involves holding space for someone’s pain while also protecting your own wellbeing and that of others who might be affected by their expressions of distress.

Practical Strategies for Deeper Understanding

Developing the ability to see beyond behavior to underlying emotional needs requires specific practices and perspectives that can be developed over time.

Pause before judging. When someone’s behavior seems inappropriate or confusing, take a moment to consider what might be driving it rather than immediately forming opinions about their character.

Ask about feelings, not just facts. Instead of focusing only on what happened, inquire about how someone is feeling about what happened. This often reveals the emotional context that explains difficult behavior.

Look for the fear or pain. Most inappropriate behavior stems from fear, pain, or feeling powerless. When you can identify the underlying vulnerability, the behavior often makes sense even if it’s not acceptable.

Consider their history. People’s responses are shaped by their past experiences, relationships, and patterns of coping. Understanding someone’s background often illuminates why they respond to situations as they do.

Practice emotional listening. Pay attention not just to words but to tone, body language, and energy. Often the emotional message is different from or deeper than the verbal message.

The Ripple Effects of Compassionate Understanding

When you respond to someone’s difficult behavior with understanding rather than judgment, it often creates space for them to express their actual feelings more directly. People feel safer being vulnerable when they sense that you see their humanity rather than just their problems.

In Jim’s case, my non-judgmental presence allowed him to eventually express his grief more directly rather than just through anger. This didn’t solve his problems, but it gave him the relief of being seen and understood during an impossibly difficult time.

Your compassionate understanding also models for others how to respond to pain and difficulty with empathy rather than judgment, creating ripple effects that extend far beyond the immediate situation.

Understanding as a Form of Love

Perhaps the most profound aspect of true understanding is recognizing it as a form of love in action. When you choose to see someone’s heart behind their behavior, to feel their pain rather than just judge their responses, you’re offering them one of the most valuable gifts possible: the experience of being truly seen and accepted in their vulnerability.

This doesn’t require agreeing with everything they do or taking responsibility for their healing. It simply means choosing to respond to their humanity rather than just their behavior, recognizing that we all struggle imperfectly with pain, loss, and the challenges of being human.

Today, I choose to offer others the gift of being seen and understood, especially when they’re expressing their pain in ways that might push others away.

Because sometimes the most healing thing we can do for someone is simply to witness their struggle with compassion rather than judgment.