Today I Choose to be Demonstrative – How to be Demonstrative

For some people, being demonstrative comes naturally—they hug easily, touch freely, and wear their hearts on their sleeves. That’s never been entirely me.

I love deeply, but I tend to express it in words, in presence, in action. I’ll write you a heartfelt note, show up when you need me, remember your coffee order for ten years. But physical affection doesn’t always come first.

Then came the moment with one of my daughters-in-law when she was walking through a really difficult season.

When Words Weren’t Enough

She’d been carrying something heavy for weeks. I could see it in her shoulders, the way they curved inward like she was protecting her heart. I could hear it in her voice, carefully controlled to not crack.

My instinct was to talk. To offer wisdom from my 61 years. To share similar experiences. To problem-solve. To fix.

But sitting across from her at my kitchen table, watching her stir her coffee for the fifth time without drinking it, I realized words would land flat. Advice would feel like pressure. Solutions would minimize her pain.

So instead, I stood up, walked around the table, and wrapped her in a long, fierce hug.

The Hug That Said Everything

No pep talk. No solutions. No “everything happens for a reason” platitudes. Just arms around her, tight enough to say without words: I see you. I’m with you. You’re not alone.

She stiffened for a moment—surprised, I think. Then melted into it. Her shoulders started shaking. The tears she’d been holding finally came.

We stood there in my kitchen for what felt like forever. Me holding her. Her letting herself be held. The coffee growing cold. The afternoon sun shifting across the floor.

For someone like me, who tends to show love in other ways, that hug was as much an act of courage as it was of comfort.

What Demonstrative Really Means

In that moment, I realized that being demonstrative doesn’t mean over-the-top displays. It doesn’t require grand gestures or constant touching. Sometimes it’s:

• A hand on someone’s shoulder when they’re struggling
• A squeeze of the arm that says “I’m proud of you”
• Holding someone’s hand during scary news
• A kiss on the forehead when words fail
• A hug that lasts just long enough to let love sink in

Learning to Be More Demonstrative

Since that kitchen hug, I’ve been practicing being more demonstrative. It’s like learning a new language at 61—awkward at first, but getting more natural.

With Curtis: Instead of just saying “love you,” I touch his arm when I pass. Small, but for someone who used to just use words, it’s something.

With my sons: Longer hugs hello and goodbye. Not the quick, obligatory ones. The kind where you actually feel the connection.

With friends: A hand on their arm when they share something hard. A real hug instead of the side-hug dodge.

With grandkids: This one’s easier. They demand demonstrative. But I’m learning to initiate more, not just respond.

Why Demonstrative Feels Hard

For those of us who aren’t naturally demonstrative, there are reasons:

• We were raised to be “appropriate” (translation: contained)
• We fear rejection or awkwardness
• We express love differently and think that’s enough
• We worry about being “too much”
• We’ve been hurt by physical affection done wrong

All valid. All real. But sometimes, despite all that, a hug is exactly what’s needed.

The Daughter-in-Law Effect

That fierce kitchen hug changed something between us. Not dramatically—subtly. But now she reaches for hugs more easily. Sits closer on the couch. Grabbed my hand during a tough family meeting.

She told me later that hug was exactly what she needed. Not advice. Not solutions. Just the physical reminder that she wasn’t alone in her pain.

That’s when I learned: Being demonstrative isn’t about my comfort level. It’s about what the other person needs in that moment.

Small Acts, Big Impact

Being demonstrative doesn’t require personality change. Small shifts make a difference:

• Touch your partner’s shoulder when you bring them coffee
• Hold the hug three seconds longer than usual
• Sit close enough that your shoulders touch
• High-five celebrations instead of just verbal praise
• Pat someone’s back when they’re upset
• Hold hands during hard conversations

The Unexpected Gift

Here’s what surprised me: Being more demonstrative hasn’t just helped others—it’s helped me. That physical connection fills something words alone couldn’t reach. When I hug someone now—really hug them—I feel the love transfer both ways.

Last week, Tyler was stressed about work. Old me would have talked him through it. New me hugged him first, then talked. He said, “Mom, when did you become a hugger?” I said, “When I realized some things can’t be said, only shown.”

The Truth About Being Demonstrative

Being demonstrative turns love into something tangible. You don’t have to be naturally expressive to practice it. You just have to be willing to let your affection move from feeling into action.

Even the smallest physical gestures can speak volumes when words fall short. A touch that says “I’m here.” A hug that says “You matter.” A hand held that says “You’re not alone.”

For someone like me, each demonstrative act is a small courage. But I’m learning that love isn’t just something you feel or say—sometimes it’s something you do with your arms, your hands, your presence.

That daughter-in-law? She’s doing better now. And when she sees me, she opens her arms first. That fierce kitchen hug taught us both something: Sometimes love needs to be felt, not just heard.

Even if it takes 61 years to learn it.