I found my 2019 goals list while cleaning out a drawer last week. “Lose 30 pounds. Make six figures. Meditate daily. Learn French. Write a novel.” I laughed so hard I snorted coffee. Not because the goals were funny, but because five years later, I’d achieved exactly none of them.
Yet here I am at 61, running a website, making art, healthier than I was at 50, and actually happy. Turns out I achieved a bunch of things. Just not the ones on that ridiculous list.
The problem wasn’t that I couldn’t achieve goals. The problem was I was setting the wrong ones. Goals that looked good on paper but had nothing to do with who I actually am or what I actually want. After decades of failing at traditional goal-setting, I finally figured out how to set goals that matter and actually achieve them. Spoiler: It has nothing to do with SMART goals or vision boards.
Why Traditional Goal-Setting Failed Me
Every January for 40 years, I’d make the same list:
- Lose weight (amount varied by how much I hated myself that year)
- Exercise more (translation: join gym, go twice, feel guilty for 11 months)
- Save money (specific amount that ignored reality)
- Be more organized (buy planners, use for one week)
- Learn something new (languages, instruments, crafts I’d never actually do)
By February, I’d failed at all of them. By March, I’d forgotten I’d made them. By December, I’d feel like a failure and make the same list again.
The cycle was exhausting. And pointless. Because these weren’t my goals. They were what I thought my goals should be. There’s a difference.
The Revelation at 58
Three years ago, during Curtis’s health crisis, I realized something: If he died, I’d regret the wrong things. Not that I didn’t lose 30 pounds or learn French. I’d regret not spending more time together. Not saying what mattered. Not doing what brought joy.
That’s when I understood: Meaningful goals aren’t about achieving. They’re about becoming.
Who did I want to become? Not thinner or richer or more organized. I wanted to become someone who was present, creative, connected, and brave. Starting new things at midlife suddenly made sense when the goal was becoming, not achieving.
My New Goal-Setting System (That Actually Works)
Step 1: The Deathbed Test
Morbid? Yes. Effective? Absolutely. I ask myself: On my deathbed, will I care about this? Will I regret not doing this?
Losing 30 pounds? Won’t care.
Being healthy enough to play with grandkids? Will care.
Making six figures? Won’t care.
Having enough money for security and experiences? Will care.
Learning French? Won’t care.
Connecting with people I love? Will care.
This test eliminates 90% of traditional goals. Good. They were cluttering up the real ones.
Step 2: The Becoming Question
Instead of “What do I want to achieve?” I ask “Who do I want to become?”
2023 examples:
- Become someone who creates (led to Dutch pour painting)
- Become someone who shares wisdom (led to Enlightenzz)
- Become someone who prioritizes joy (led to saying no to misery-inducing obligations)
- Become someone who takes care of herself (led to actual wellness plan)
Notice these aren’t specific or measurable. That’s on purpose. Becoming is a direction, not a destination.
Step 3: The Small Steps Strategy
Big goals paralyze me. “Write a novel” means I never write anything. But “write something today”? That I can do.
My current goals are embarrassingly small:
- Move my body somehow daily (sometimes it’s dancing while cooking)
- Create something weekly (even if it’s bad)
- Connect with someone I love daily (even just a text)
- Learn something new monthly (YouTube counts)
- Say no to one thing weekly (practice for boundaries)
Small goals compound. Daily movement became walking, which became hiking. Weekly creation became an art practice. It’s like visualization – you see the big picture but take tiny steps.
Goals That Actually Mattered (In Retrospect)
Looking back, the goals that changed my life were never on any list:
Saying yes to therapy: Not a goal, but transformed everything. Led to changing my self-talk and actually liking myself.
Starting to paint: Never planned this. It just happened. Now it’s central to my mental health.
Creating boundaries: Wasn’t on any vision board. But learning to say no saved my sanity.
Writing online: Would have terrified goal-setting me. But sharing stories connects me to women worldwide.
Accepting my body: The opposite of “lose 30 pounds” but infinitely more valuable.
The Goals That Don’t Work After 50
Some goals need to die after 50:
“Look younger” goals: Fighting aging is exhausting and futile. Aging well? That’s a goal.
“Impress people” goals: If building confidence after 50 taught me anything, it’s that impressing others is pointless.
“Fix yourself” goals: You’re not broken. You’re human. Stop trying to fix what isn’t broken.
“Catch up” goals: There’s no behind. Everyone’s on their own timeline.
“Should” goals: If a goal starts with “should,” it’s not yours. It’s someone else’s expectation.
My Current Goals (The Real Ones)
At 61, my goals are different than any I’ve set before:
Be present: Not achieve presence. Be present. With Curtis, with friends, with myself. This means putting the damn phone down.
Create without judgment: Make art, write words, try things. Quality irrelevant. My morning affirmation: “I create because I can, not because I’m good.”
Share wisdom: Not preach. Share. There’s a difference. Someone needs to hear what I’ve learned.
Protect energy: Say no to drains. Say yes to fills. Changed my money mindset to include energy as currency.
Embrace joy: Stop postponing happiness. Joy now, not when I’m thinner/richer/better.
How to Actually Achieve Meaningful Goals
1. Make them identity-based: Not “I want to write” but “I am a writer.” Identity drives behavior more than goals.
2. Track progress, not perfection: I use a simple calendar. Did I do the thing? Check. Missed a day? Start again tomorrow. No guilt spiral.
3. Adjust constantly: Goals should evolve. If a goal stops serving you, change it. You’re not married to it.
4. Find accountability that works: I tell Curtis my weekly goals. Not to impress him, but because saying them out loud makes them real.
5. Celebrate small wins: Wrote for 10 minutes? Win. Walked around the block? Win. Said no to something? Big win.
The Plot Twist About Achievement
Here’s what nobody tells you about achieving goals after 50: The achievement isn’t the point. The becoming is.
I “failed” to lose 30 pounds but became someone who moves joyfully.
I “failed” to make six figures but became someone who has enough.
I “failed” to meditate daily but became someone who finds peace.
I “failed” to learn French but became someone who communicates authentically.
I “failed” to write a novel but became someone who shares stories.
The goals I achieved weren’t the ones I set. They were better. They were real. They mattered.
Your Goal-Setting Makeover
Ready to set goals that actually matter? Try this:
Step 1: Write down your current goals.
Step 2: Apply the deathbed test. Cross off what won’t matter.
Step 3: For remaining goals, ask “Who would I become if I achieved this?”
Step 4: Rewrite goals as becoming statements: “Become someone who…”
Step 5: Break into the smallest possible actions.
Step 6: Start with one. Just one. Today.
Remember: At 50+, we don’t have time for meaningless goals. We need goals that align with who we’re becoming, not who we think we should be. The books that changed my life all said the same thing: meaningful beats impressive every time.
P.S. – My goal for today was to write this article. Done. My goal for this afternoon is to paint something terrible. My goal for tonight is to eat dinner with Curtis without checking my phone. Small goals. Real goals. The only kind that matter at 61. Oh, and that 2019 list? I kept it. For comedy purposes. Sometimes you need to laugh at who you used to think you should be.
