I was 57, crying in my car outside Whole Foods, because I couldn’t decide between organic and regular bananas. Not because of the price difference ($0.30), but because my brain was so exhausted from overthinking every single decision that even fruit broke me.
That’s when I knew something had to shift. Not just my banana-buying strategy (though that needed work too), but my entire mental operating system. The way I’d been thinking for five decades wasn’t working anymore. Maybe it never really worked, but at 57, I couldn’t fake it anymore.
What followed were five specific mindset shifts that changed everything. Not overnight. Not dramatically. But fundamentally. If you’re exhausted from your own mental patterns, overwhelmed by your own thoughts, or just tired of getting in your own way, these shifts might help you too.
Shift 1: From “I Have To” to “I Get To”
This sounds like toxic positivity, but hear me out. I spent decades in “have to” mode:
- “I have to call my mother”
- “I have to exercise”
- “I have to finish this project”
- “I have to make dinner”
- “I have to deal with this”
Everything was obligation. Life felt like a to-do list I’d never complete. Then Curtis got sick, really sick, and suddenly my “have to’s” looked different.
“I get to call my mother” (she’s still alive to call)
“I get to exercise” (my body still works)
“I get to make dinner” (we have food and each other)
“I get to work on this project” (I have work, purpose, ability)
This isn’t about being grateful for suffering or pretending hard things aren’t hard. It’s about recognizing choice where you thought there was none. My morning affirmations now start with “I get to wake up today.”
Last week, stuck in traffic, late for a meeting, my brain started: “I have to sit in this stupid traffic.” Caught myself. “I get to drive. I get to go to meetings. I get to be late sometimes and the world doesn’t end.”
The traffic didn’t move faster. But I felt less trapped.
Shift 2: From “Why Me?” to “What Now?”
I was the queen of “Why me?”
- Why did I get the difficult parents?
- Why did my first marriage fail?
- Why did I develop these health issues?
- Why is my life harder than everyone else’s?
“Why me?” is a victim question. It keeps you stuck in the problem, marinating in unfairness. It changes nothing except your mood (makes it worse).
“What now?” is a power question. It accepts what is and looks for next steps.
When Curtis’s diagnosis came, I spent exactly one day on “Why us?” Then shifted: “What now?” Led to research, treatment options, lifestyle changes, support systems. Setting meaningful goals became about action, not lamenting.
Applied this everywhere:
Parent drama? Not “Why are they like this?” but “What boundaries do I need?”
Work crisis? Not “Why does this always happen?” but “What’s the first step to fix it?”
Aging body? Not “Why is everything falling apart?” but “What does my body need now?”
“What now?” assumes you have agency. You do.
Shift 3: From “I Know” to “I’m Learning”
At 50-something, we’re supposed to have it figured out, right? Wrong. That pressure to know everything, to have answers, to be the expert – it’s exhausting and impossible.
I shifted from expert to student:
Before: “I know how to handle money” (while anxiously checking accounts)
After: “I’m learning better financial habits” (hired a advisor, read books, asked questions)
Before: “I know how relationships work” (while repeating same patterns)
After: “I’m learning how to connect differently” (therapy, books, actual conversations)
Before: “I know myself” (while constantly surprised by my reactions)
After: “I’m learning who I’m becoming” (curiosity about changes, growth, evolution)
This shift gave me permission to:
- Ask questions without shame
- Make mistakes without devastation
- Change my mind without guilt
- Try new things at 61
- Admit I don’t know (liberating!)
Started painting at 59 because “I’m learning” makes everything possible. “I know” makes nothing possible.
Shift 4: From “I’m Right” to “I’m Curious”
Lord, I loved being right. Still do, honestly. But being right all the time is prison. You can’t learn, grow, connect, or change when you’re defending your rightness.
The shift happened during an argument with my son. He said something about my parenting that stung. My instant response: defend, justify, prove I’m right. But I caught myself and tried: “I’m curious about your perspective.”
He talked for an hour. I learned things about his childhood experience I never knew. Some of it hurt. Most of it helped. All of it connected us.
Now I practice curiosity:
Instead of: “That’s wrong”
I try: “That’s interesting, tell me more”
Instead of: “I disagree”
I try: “Help me understand your view”
Instead of: “Here’s what you should do”
I try: “What do you think would help?”
Being curious doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. It means being open to information that might change your mind. Or might not. But at least you listened. Reframing my self-talk from certainty to curiosity opened doors I didn’t know were closed.
Shift 5: From “I’ll Be Happy When” to “I’m Happy While”
My happiness was always in the future:
- “I’ll be happy when I lose 20 pounds”
- “I’ll be happy when I retire”
- “I’ll be happy when the kids are settled”
- “I’ll be happy when we have more money”
- “I’ll be happy when things calm down”
Spoiler alert: “When” never comes. There’s always another “when” waiting.
The shift: Being happy while life is happening, not after it gets perfect.
“I’m happy while working on my health”
“I’m happy while building our retirement”
“I’m happy while the kids figure things out”
“I’m happy while managing our finances”
“I’m happy while life is messy”
This doesn’t mean fake happiness or ignoring problems. It means finding pockets of joy in the process, not just the outcome. My happiness toolbox includes tools for being happy during, not after.
Yesterday, dealing with tax paperwork (hate it), I put on music, made good coffee, set up by the window. Still hate tax paperwork. But I was happy while doing it. Small shift, big difference.
How to Actually Make These Shifts
Reading about mindset shifts is easy. Actually shifting is hard. Here’s what worked:
1. Pick ONE shift: Don’t try all five. Your brain will revolt. Pick the one that resonates most.
2. Set reminders: Phone alerts, sticky notes, whatever works. Mine said “I GET TO” every 2 hours for months.
3. Practice out loud: Literally say the new thought out loud. Sounds crazy, works anyway.
4. Track it: Journal, calendar, napkin – mark every time you catch and shift. Progress needs evidence.
5. Get support: Tell someone what you’re shifting. They’ll catch you when you slip (and you will slip).
6. Be patient: I’d been thinking one way for 50+ years. Took more than a week to change. Building new confidence requires patience with the process.
What These Shifts Actually Changed
My life looks the same from outside. Same house, same husband, same work, same challenges. But inside:
Less exhaustion: Fighting reality is tiring. Accepting and working with it isn’t.
More connection: Curiosity creates better conversations than rightness ever did.
Less anxiety: “What now?” has an answer. “Why me?” doesn’t.
More joy: Found in process, not waiting for perfect endings.
Less resentment: “Get to” feels like choice. “Have to” feels like prison.
More growth: “I’m learning” allows for evolution. “I know” keeps you stuck.
The Shift That Matters Most
If you only make one shift, make this one: From “I’m stuck with how I think” to “I can change my mind about my mind.”
Your thought patterns aren’t concrete. They’re habits. And habits can change. Even at 61. Especially at 61, when you’re finally tired enough of your own BS to do something about it.
That day in the Whole Foods parking lot, crying over banana decisions, I thought I was losing it. Turns out I was losing the mental patterns that weren’t serving me. Best thing I ever lost.
Now I buy whatever bananas I want without mental drama. Overcoming fear-based decisions started with produce and expanded everywhere.
P.S. – Curtis found this article in progress and said, “So you’re saying you changed your mind about changing your mind by changing your mind?” I said yes. He said, “That’s very meta.” I said, “That’s very marriage – you get to understand my weird brain shifts.” He laughed. “Get to, not have to?” “Exactly.” Twenty-five years and he’s still learning my language. We both are. That’s the best shift of all – from “we should have it figured out” to “we’re still figuring it out together.”
